A few weeks ago, we celebrated this year’s Common Trust tenet of fairness at the Opening Ceremony. I love that we talk about the Common Trust — the fact that we all pledge to interact with each other with respect, trust, honesty, fairness, and kindness.
I also shared some thoughts on fairness at a Middle School Assembly last month and am passing on some of my comments and questions in the hope they may spark some interesting conversation around the dinner table.
I told our middle-schoolers that fairness might just be the most difficult tenet of all. At some point most people, including me, have said these words, “This is not fair!”
I believe we have a natural tendency to judge fairness as a “one-off.” We judge every situation we face by itself. We tend to look at each event or interaction that happens and make a judgment call on whether or not we think it was “fair.” Did we get our fair share? Were we treated fairly? We become worked up if we think our slice of the pie is smaller than someone else’s or we receive a consequence that is too hard or a grade that is less than we think we deserve. We tell anyone who will listen, “It just isn’t fair!”
The next time a student thinks the grade he or she received is unfairly low, I suggested the student should consider how many times did it go the other way? How many times was a teacher generous when grading work?
I also asked students to think about this concept of fairness from a different angle. I suggested they think about whether or not they are treating others fairly. “Have you given others their share of the pie?” I asked. Have you passed the ball to them as much as you expect it to be passed to you? Have you listened carefully in class and worked as hard as you can to be fair to your teachers? Have you ever been less than attentive in class and, as you walked out the door, thought, “Now, it wasn’t very fair to my teacher that I wasn’t paying close enough attention. I really should have listened more carefully.” Do we ever think much about how fair we are to others? Perhaps we do on the larger things but what about the day-to-day stuff? I have to admit this is certainly something I need to remind myself almost every day.
I also posed the following questions: “Have you thought about the fact that your parents feel very responsible for your safety and that is why they give you rules to follow? Have you been fair in your response to these rules?”
As parents, I told the students, we fear for your safety, your success, your future, your happiness, you name it! … Think about that the next time you argue with your parents about a curfew or some other rule. Have a little empathy for them – they are, in their own way, just trying to keep you safe whether you agree with their rules or not. At this point, it is our job as parents to make those rules and keep you as safe as we can.
Then I moved on to rules at School. We build a set of rules from the Common Trust. We compile rules to guide students toward treating each other, teachers, and the School with respect, trust, honesty, fairness, and kindness. Obviously, I know there is a tension here. Our students do not always agree with our rules. They would probably develop a very different set. Sometimes, however, we all need to realize we are not in a position to set all rules that impact our lives. This is life, it may not seem fair but, in fact, it keeps us safe in the long run if it allows us to live in a civilized and respectful way. Over the years, I have learned to accept this.
“Certainly,” I continued, “there may be times, as you go through life, when you experience a rule that is entirely unfair and actually makes a person or a group of people unsafe.” I urged them to think back to the not-so-distant past in our own country to rules that actually made people unsafe — back to discrimination and the Jim Crow laws in the South. My message to the students was, “In your lifetime, if you are confronted with a rule or rules that make a group of people unsafe, it is my greatest hope you will fight with all the energy and skill you have to stop this from happening.” I urged them to save their energy for these times — these are the rules to break. I asked them to consider, “Is this rule really worth breaking or should I save my energy for something more worthwhile. Are you being fair – are you really?”
