Reflections from Preprimary Back-to-School Night

I thought I would share with you a bit about myself as a parent, sort of a self-revealing look into my experience raising two boys - and now, partially, a third. I am hopeful that, through this baring of my soul or public confession, so to speak, we will somehow bond together as parents and caretakers of our children. Bond together in the knowledge that this is not an exact science, this raising of children, no, in fact, it is far from it. There are days when it seems like some obscure, confusing card game, and they, the children, seem to be holding all of the cards, including the one with our hearts on it.

I am hopeful we will bond together, not in our expertise or clarification of the exact techniques that will produce excellence in child rearing, because these obviously do not exist, but rather we will join together in our shared mission to be the best parents and educators we can be ― even when the road is twisted and sometimes difficult to decipher. Those of us who work so hard trying to do just the right thing for our children and then only too often finding out that perhaps we have been grossly misled, and it really all becomes, well, quite confusing…

As the parent of children born in the late 1980’s and into the 1990’s, I read all of the articles, invested in all sorts of books with titles like, “What to Expect when you are Expecting”, “Becoming the Parent You Want To Be”, and my personal favorite, “How to Behave So Your Children Will Too”. My first child was born in 1987 and, in hindsight, I now realize that sometime between the early 1980’s, when I graduated from college (relatively unnoticed by my parents, I dare say, and certainly not a person they spent much time worrying about), and 1987 the year Jake was born, the media decided the world was a very dangerous place and there was much money to be made in child-protection devices. If they could convince parents that danger lurked behind every corner, it opened up a wide array of possibilities for things we might be talked into buying. We, as parents, were told we had an enormous responsibility not only to keep our babies safe from the horrors of the dangerous general public, but to also make sure that our children heard over and over again how smart and talented they were. We were told it was our responsibility to make sure our children were well-steeped in a strong sense of positive self-esteem as well as being secure. Is this beginning to sound familiar to anyone?

We were convinced that not only were the first two years of life a special bonding time when children either developed a sense of closeness and security from their parents and if, heaven forbid, you missed this small window of opportunity, surely they would become paranoid, insecure adults unable to hold down a job or develop lasting relationships either professionally or personally. The neuronal connections necessary to allow for the formation of permanent attachment mechanisms needed to be made at this tender age we were told, and no amount of nurturing or support later on could make up for a slip on our part in the area of bonding at this vulnerable young age. There would simply be wide gaps left between brain cells and no amount of love or nurturing could heal the lasting permanent damage. Furthermore, we were told that if we were to play opera or symphony music close to our stomachs while we were still pregnant (I believe they were selling devices to actually glue on to your skin, thank goodness I resisted this purchase, although I do remember thinking about it), we would most assuredly give our unborn child a leg up toward becoming a child prodigy, the next Beethoven or Mozart. At the very least, one study claimed, there was a direct link between listening to classical music in utero and the ability to read with fluency before the age of four! Again, a window of opportunity one did not want to take a chance on missing!

While we were busy playing music before birth, I also read that it was important to keep my baby with me at all times during the day once he was born, preferably hooked up in some sort of front or backpack so he could feel the same sense of security he had while growing during the pregnancy and, oh yes, if you really knew what you were doing, you would find a doctor willing to allow you to give birth under water so that the baby was not startled by bright lights and oxygen flooding through the nose too rapidly. Don’t worry, I also resisted this one! We were directed and, I dare say, manipulated by the media and the flourishing child-safety industry and responded grandly with open checkbooks as we were filled with the appropriate fears. We rushed out to buy just the right car seat and an appropriate car to go with it (Volvos and SUV’s became very popular around this time), cribs with appropriate widths between the bars. (I vividly remember carefully measuring the distance so as to not take a chance on my darling firstborn’s head getting wedged between them some time in the middle of the night – the fact that he could not move at all at birth did not cross my mind and by the time he could, his head was of course way too big to get lodged between the crib slats.) We also learned how to wrap our babies and tilt them on their sides, so they would neither suffocate nor aspirate during the night! It is a wonder any of us slept at all. Of course, the baby monitor was turned on full blast and we listened to their every breath waiting for any sound that might indicate trouble of any sort – like the possibility that they had flipped to their fronts or backs―horrors!

But what about the grandest hoax of them all? The part where we, as parents, were told we were responsible for our children’s self-esteem. Well, I took to this belief like a fish to water. After all, I am not only a parent, but an educator. I was raised by parents who thought I could do no wrong, and when I or anyone else tried to tell them this was a fallacy, they shook their heads and refused to listen. My mother always looked at us with wide-eyed disbelief when we began telling stories from our less-than-perfect childhood.

So, back to self-esteem building. I took this one on with a vengeance; beginning by videotaping my children’s every move. I thought everything they did was not only cute, but profoundly advanced for their ages. I still remember my disbelief when they got to school and weren’t always chosen to win every award or given the lead role in the school play. What could these confused adults have missed?! I had just spent the first five years of their lives telling them how smart, athletic, musical, and overall fabulous they were – so much so that I undoubtedly lost sight of reality somewhere along the way.

Then there were the middle years when the easy A’s of grade school began to give way and a few B’s slipped in. Could this be happening? We parents had not given up on our quest to make sure they all possessed appropriately enormous self-esteems! We, as parent/coaches, still provided a trophy for every child on the Little League team regardless of their skill sets or athletic contribution. Attendance was good enough and even those who skipped a few games deserved some recognition, didn’t they? So why didn’t these teachers and administrators recognize that it was certainly their responsibility to motivate our children and ensure they continued with the straight A’s? If we were responsible for their self-esteem, certainly the school was responsible for making sure they had their homework finished and were prepared well enough to score an A on every test?

So, why do I share my past neurosis with you at this point in the year? Because nothing bad has happened yet, and I want you to know that when it comes to our children, I am as clouded by “kid-love” as anyone. It is normal, biological, and nothing any of us need to apologize for – in fact, many experts are now saying we are raising the best, most accomplished, and secure generation of children ever. They are emotionally close to their parents and families, and they communicate with each other more often and efficiently than any other generation. Any of you who have children with access to a computer understand why keyboarding classes are almost passé. They type 120 words/minute by the time they enter high school and think nothing of maintaining friendships with literally hundreds of kids in several different states via texting or Facebook. This generation is the first of the technology natives.

These are great children, and we feel blessed to be working with them at this time and in this School. You, their parents, and we at the School are so influential and successful when we work together. The School has the benefit of the perspective gained from dealing with literally thousands and thousands of children. You, of course, have the unique perspective only a parent can provide. You are the ones who know your child: his/her talents, strengths, and even those areas where there are needs. Together, we present a balanced team, one dedicated to providing the best educational experience possible for your children. One that is balanced and supportive, yet challenging and motivating. So, as the year progresses and the inevitable successes and challenges arise, please communicate with us and we promise to do the same with you. Help us to understand your child, his/her individual needs and your desires for their growth academically, physically, artistically, and emotionally. And please remember, if you don’t believe half of what they tell you about us, we won’t believe half of what they tell us about you!